the night Lora met Ellen, Ellen could barely see
she was 6 shots in, more were flashing in cruel hands
& Ellen didn't have her Metrocard but Lora had a couch
so they left the party holding hands by dark street
the whoops & cheers of lesser demons followed them all the way home
“how you doing baby”s seemed more violent than ever, they were drunk & together
it was a breaking point, couldn't hit the killswitch, ignore til Lora's door shut
& just before Ellen trembled to sleep on the couch she said
“fuck men, fuck men, fuck men
fuck men”
Lora'd just moved the neighborhood about 2 months ago
found a cafe job & this regular asked her to a party s
aid “don't worry, I'm gay, we all are, you'll have a a real good time”
she needed a social life, said “fuck it”
then in front of his friends, he put his hand on her breasts as a joke
said “hey, don't be so uptight, we're all queer here, what's the problem”
he didn't want her but he showed her that he owned her
like some other guy, some other party
she left & cried much later with Ellen who said
“fuck men, fuck men, but don't sleep with them
make them uncomfortable, lonely, and ashamed
fuck men, fuck men, fuck men
fuck men”
“Ellen, I think I could love you
wanna feel yr arms around me
want you close & rough & not too tender
with them it's a threat but with you could be a turn-on
with them it's a threat but with you could be a comfort
so let's just wait & get to learn each other better
I've got a history, you've got a history
I don't think it's anybody's fault
it's nobody's fault it's hard”
it was a few weeks later, Ellen was going to meet a friend in Prospect Park
she'd brought spiced apple cider, it was almost too cold to be out
so it felt much crueler in the last warm sunlight
to hear “how you doing baby” & be followed for 3 blocks
she ignored, he was repeating, but when he passed her & drew a knife
she realized the block was deserted, if anyone could've been there, they'd vanished already
“how you doing baby”
later, it seemed so much later, Lora held her hand
& said “darling, I hope you're resting, & I'm so sorry”
& all else she could think to say was
“fuck men, fuck men, fuck men
fuck men”
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