Protection Fruit (Split w/ Audrey Otherway)

by April Mei

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about

notes on content:
Terrible Horrible Story-- depression, self-harm, death / Damage/Control-- sexual consent & boundary crossing, rape culture, alcohol, bruises / Small Town Wolfhound-- street harassment, sexual objectification / Numb-- sexual dissociation / Disappear Me-- mental illness, dissociation, derealization
Lora & Ellen-- alcohol, assault, sexual harassment, sexual trauma / Bandages-- consent, alcohol, blood / Total Warmth-- BDSM / Shaving-- alcohol, blood, self-harm


if you can afford to pay us for this album, please do-- it cost us our time and money, and we're doing this totally as a DIY operation financed only by our service industry jobs. BUT IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY FOR THIS right now but you want to later, or you can't pay for it ever, there is no shame about that, and please find a free download at: archive.org/details/ProtectionFruit

credits

released September 10, 2015

recorded July-September 2015 at Broc's House & Cat House in Brooklyn, NY

engineered, produced, mixed, & mastered by Ana MeiLi Carling & Audrey Zee Whitesides

art by Ana MeiLi Carling
design & layout by Audrey Zee Whitesides

on April Mei tracks:
Ana MeiLi Carling-- vocals & guitar
all music & lyrics by Ana MeiLi Carling

on Audrey Otherway tracks:
Audrey Zee Whitesides-- vocals & guitar
Ana MeiLi Carling-- backing vocals on tracks 1, 4, & 6
all music & lyrics by Audrey Zee Whitesides

audreyotherway.bandcamp.com

thanks to: Mars Dixon, Jade Payne, Mal Blum, Broccolini, Dragbore House, Chase & Raven, Ari Cameron, Dandy Dextrous, Worriers, the Homewreckers, Cutting Room Floor, Mother Tongue, Cosmos, April Herms & Mori Jones & Zuki, & Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls

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April Mei New York, New York

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Track Name: Terrible Horrible Story
Come on lazy, off the couch
sitting in that Sunday slouch
I promise you can eat more ice cream later
Come on baby, brush your teeth
make yourself something to eat
you're such a masterful procrastinator

And you can spend your afternoons
getting high on the blues
you can black and white this world until you're wasted

At best you're sad, at worst depressed
trying to make something out of your loneliness
climbing up that scrap heap
and you wonder why you can't sleep

It's the terrible horrible story I tell myself
When the jury's out, the power's down and I'm by myself
the only constant, I'm my own anchor
when I'm lost at sea it gets louder and louder and louder and louder

It's the terrible horrible story I tell myself

Did you know I'm an impostor, did you look real close
underneath I'm just a monster in her Sunday clothes
and all these city streets won't forgive me now
on this cold concrete, it's too late to turn around

It's the terrible horrible story I tell myself

And have I paid my debt in sadness yet
will this be the death of me
the punch I pack don't love me back
but god damn how well it knows me
when all roads lead you to alone
there's nothing left to see
do push and shove count as self love
when you're trying not to draw blood

Well I froze myself so cold I couldn't feel at all
burrowing into this hole just to avoid the thaw
and what if and what if and what if and what if
what if I feel it
can you feel it now

Terrible horrible
Track Name: Damage/Control
Pretty thing, come here, I’m gonna sweet talk your ear off
when you say it’s on the house, I smile and slink away
sweetheart darling honey baby sugar sweet pea
let me get it out of my system

I catch my flies with honey
but bitterness looks so good on me
the kind of pretty you gotta squint to see
come here, go away
yeah I’ll give you a welcome to overstay

Let’s talk about how small I am subwoofed against a wall
let’s talk about the noise that drums a tongue against a tied up tongue
how I don’t know the strength of my own undertow
how gravity pulls harder when you’re drunk

Can’t tell what I consent to
what you did or what you meant to
can’t tell who belongs under my wing
do I say how dare you
or honey let me hold your hair for you
while you get it out of your system

And I own up to another bed
the playing dumb, the playing dead
how I’ve slipped off the hook since then
and I thought we were having fun here
but who controls the damage done
when you want an inch and I give you an arm’s length

Who gets to be the creep here
little sister you shouldn’t be here
who commands a no man’s land
where you won’t let go of my hand
who’s old enough to buy the booze
whose bruises show whose shame is whose
what poison do I have to purge
to unlearn unlearn unlearn unlearn
who gets to protect who
from all the things we’ve seen men do
when those we can’t believe we trusted
have taught us well in spite of us
when shame upon more shame’s
a sunken continent too deep to name
when we can throw our weight hard as anyone

And us girls, we can sweet talk all we want
we can use our hands and hips all wrong
gotta burn that bridge at both ends
the kind of ugly you gotta stare to see
honey baby sugar sweet pea
gotta get it out
Track Name: Small Town Wolfhound
(after “You Don’t Know Baby” by Walter Spriggs, performed by Wanda Jackson)

You're just a small town wolfhound
barking up my skirt
you're just a small town wolfhound
staring down my shirt
you're just a small town wolfhound
sniffing me out
you're just a small town wolfhound
and I'm not gonna

Small town wolfhound
I'm not gonna fuck you
out to get laid
eyeing me like 8th grade
pound that pavement
you're not getting lucky
small town wolfhound
I'm not gonna fuck you

And you keep buzzing round here
swarming me like flies
I feel your breath in my ear
and everywhere your eyes
and yeah you think you're so big
but honey in the end
you're just a small town wolfhound
and I'm not gonna

You come in here like I'm on show
so close up you're fogging up the window
with your dog breath trying to chat me up
you small town wolfhound
I'm not gonna fuck you

I'm not gonna fuck you
no, I'm not gonna fuck you
and you won't, no you can't get lucky with me

Cause you don't know how bad my skin crawls
you think you're walking me home
with compliments comments and cat calls
always got me picking that bone
and I'm not your baby
no, I’m not your baby
and you won't, no you can't get lucky with me
cause you don't, no you can't know how I feel
Track Name: Numb
It's a normal day
we're on a blanket in the park
I have to say
you're looking pretty, talking smart
infatuation is my drug of choice
the poison that I pick
I want to stuff my face with your sweet self
till I feel sick

Your arms are warm
your face is close, your lips are soft
and I'm ok
I'm feeling fine, but maybe not
and it's too late
I froze the moment our lips locked
I'll float away
just in time to feel my heart
anesthetize, become a rock
saying nice try, time to backslide
might not ever get unstuck
it all fades out until

I'm numb

I keep my baggage
tied in slip knots, packed up tight
but I let girls like you come in
and pick locks overnight
I hate the way I talk the talk
but walk the walk of shame
and I should know it
should know it always feels the same

Slipping back into old habits
in some kind of stone-faced panic
might just cut to TV static
shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I can only have you for a moment
before I get lost or frozen
maybe this is the closest that we'll ever come
before it all wears off and

I'm numb
Track Name: Disappear Me
Water runs clear, water runs dry
don't disappear into the tide
make yourself clear, draw the divide
before it's too late and you're wasting your time

Been walking in the shadows of the ones who caught me red
the ones who haunt my body and the ones who haunt my bed
I keep on saying I'm sorry and I don't remember why
I'm toxic now, don't touch me as the waves begin to rise
and what do they mean when they tell you to heal
I’m not even sure if I'm real
don't want to become the shell I became
don't let me forget how to say my own name

And you know that I love you, yeah you know how I feel
but I was made to be alone, so you must not be real
let's talk about unworthy and talk about afraid
and talk about unearthly and talk about ashamed
It gets so hard to hold me when I keep folding in half
and shrinking til there's nothing left of me to have

Don't come disappear me now

Water runs clear, water runs dry
am I still here, have I survived
Track Name: Audrey Otherway - The Ballad of Lora & Ellen & Yes All Men
the night Lora met Ellen, Ellen could barely see
she was 6 shots in, more were flashing in cruel hands
& Ellen didn't have her Metrocard but Lora had a couch
so they left the party holding hands by dark street
the whoops & cheers of lesser demons followed them all the way home
“how you doing baby”s seemed more violent than ever, they were drunk & together
it was a breaking point, couldn't hit the killswitch, ignore til Lora's door shut
& just before Ellen trembled to sleep on the couch she said
“fuck men, fuck men, fuck men
fuck men”

Lora'd just moved the neighborhood about 2 months ago
found a cafe job & this regular asked her to a party s
aid “don't worry, I'm gay, we all are, you'll have a a real good time”
she needed a social life, said “fuck it”
then in front of his friends, he put his hand on her breasts as a joke
said “hey, don't be so uptight, we're all queer here, what's the problem”
he didn't want her but he showed her that he owned her
like some other guy, some other party
she left & cried much later with Ellen who said
“fuck men, fuck men, but don't sleep with them
make them uncomfortable, lonely, and ashamed
fuck men, fuck men, fuck men
fuck men”

“Ellen, I think I could love you
wanna feel yr arms around me
want you close & rough & not too tender
with them it's a threat but with you could be a turn-on
with them it's a threat but with you could be a comfort
so let's just wait & get to learn each other better
I've got a history, you've got a history
I don't think it's anybody's fault
it's nobody's fault it's hard”

it was a few weeks later, Ellen was going to meet a friend in Prospect Park
she'd brought spiced apple cider, it was almost too cold to be out
so it felt much crueler in the last warm sunlight
to hear “how you doing baby” & be followed for 3 blocks
she ignored, he was repeating, but when he passed her & drew a knife
she realized the block was deserted, if anyone could've been there, they'd vanished already
“how you doing baby”

later, it seemed so much later, Lora held her hand
& said “darling, I hope you're resting, & I'm so sorry”
& all else she could think to say was
“fuck men, fuck men, fuck men
fuck men”
Track Name: Audrey Otherway - The Total Warmth of My Heart
touring the yuppie neighborhood I realized I was raised for service
taught discipline's the key, dollar a week to do our dishes
now my mom wonders why I settle being a barista
she doesn't even know I play a maid on my days off

uh-oh, working every weekend
uh-oh, how does anyone fall in love like that
uh-oh, I'm not even monogamous
uh-oh, it's just getting lonely & the weather's still warm

learned about my commitment issues on my roof
read 1500 comic pages before texting you again
this girl in my store likes my tarot tattoos
I tell her sometimes I don't mind being looked at that way

uh-oh, let's keep things casual
uh-oh, I might get busy making rent & go
uh-oh, I'm not even monogamous
uh-oh, thank god neither are you & yr partner's so warm

not like me
I'm so good at my job
I'll make tips off of you
without even trying
I'm so good at hellos
so good at hellos

uh-oh, but then we keep on talking
uh-oh, you're so much of a top I know just how to act
uh-oh, I don't wanna be monogamous
uh-oh, but it always feels like scene then my cheeks get so warm

maybe I should tidy my own house
so I won't be embarrassed to share it
I'll even let you spoil me
then ask if there's anything I can clean up
Track Name: Audrey Otherway - Bandages Out of Masking Tape (The Trauma Song)
once again I'm a fuck-up & I haven't slept all night
I'm thinking about how hard it was to say no all those times
you can't tell me everything & I wanna know how you feel
& I don't
from my fire escape you can't tell anybody else is near
we'll sit here an hour, you don't even have to talk
I'm tense & nervous, maybe I think I do
that's my fuck-up once again
I see all the little nicks I've been collecting
on my hands in great detail

stay with me, friend
when I couldn't breath you tried so hard for both of us
stay with me, friend
it took us a long time to figure out breath's not something you can share

so you shared bourbon but only a little bit
I got bad memories with that, you already know
it seems getting better's reserved for those already well sometimes
maybe from birth we were always gonna be getting tired
I know we have different opinions
on just which shade of green means you're gonna lose the finger

stay with me, friend
we can eat the pastries I dumpstered from my own job
stay with me, friend
when we get sick from that it'll take our minds away from this

this shitty tape won't do much
to stop my infections
but toilet tissue underneath
collects most of the blood
it all washes off unsticky
in the sink hours too soon
but it don't cost much
to do it all over again
all over again
over again

stay with me, friend
where else are we gonna go
stay with me, friend
Track Name: Audrey Otherway - Shaving! (That One's Gonna Bleed)
happy New Year to the ground outside
I'm more different than you
houseplant of a teenager with plans to make
nothing but vodka to lose
would you say it's been an age
for me to make some fruit?
I'd say my support's rotting from the bottom
I'm as tired as you

I know things grow up &
they need faces
I wanna say it's cool
I'll be at the party
but I'm not changing with you

happy New Year to my friends inside
I wanna be open to you
you're not out of my way or out of my mind
no matter what's taken out of me
it's all learning how to show
this house could use more room
time spent between growing and fainting
can't say if I'm tired as you

shaving! shaving! that one's gonna bleed
yeah that one's gonna bleed
stay in! shaving! do you like what you see
'cause I think that it might bleed
morning! come in! I made plans today
watch them circle, drain away
evening! still here! hurts less if I stay
scab up & I break
when the hot water runs out
that one's gonna bleed
yeah that one's gonna bleed
I don't know why I'm still
shaving til I bleed
trying to bleed
Track Name: Audrey Otherway - The Kettle
leave the kettle on
cover up in whistling on
I'm not resting or thinking straight
I don't see bubbles forming on my hand

I believe & I intend
in the work still to be done
I believe & I intend
to just not leave anywhere or anyone

came down from the ritual on my roof
I had nothing more control
you left the kettle on
long enough for tea then we quit
& it was enough
it was enough